Session XI: A Knight for a Day

Oh no. What did we get ourselves into?

Opening Crawl

Session 11: A Knight for a Day

Hal Brunchkiller has “fixed” the hyperdrive, but the Silverlight did not return to the secret rebel base on Hoth.

Instead the ship crash landed on an uncharted planet, where technology does not work, and whomever has more iron, or blood, rules the day.

Knights representing the Kingdom of Tir Asleen have arrived at the crash site, but eerily, they are all clones of Jango Fett, and refer to Hal as “General,” harkening back to the days of the Clone Wars. But who are these clones, and how did they get to this planet?

Clone Knight: I see the program has been approved, though our designs would have dictated the general be in charge of an entire squadron at the least. And these clones are premature. The war must not be going well if you’ve impressed immature clones into service, and have only two per general. And this ship you’re flying. Is this what the Republic has been reduced to?

Hal: It’s been a tough war.

Knight: And you, General, you’re still a padawan but you’re alone. Did your master fall in battle?

Hal: Why yes. In a manner of speaking, my master was leading many clones and she did fall in battle.

Knight: (looking at Turk) and you have non-clones under your command?

Hal: Why yes and....

Turk: No, no, I’m a clone. I’m the next model.

Knight: Oh, are Jango Fett clones now obsolete? Who is the new donor who is replacing us?

Turk: Um.. I don’t know. They didn’t tell us that, but. Definitely I’m totally a clone.

Knight: Perhaps secrecy is best for the lower ranks. Interesting. Our Lord Sifo-Dyas would speak with you, if you are willing. If you’re not willing, well, I have my orders. 

The name Sifo-Dyas meant nothing to any of the party, although Grundle remembered from his secret agent training that he was important during the Clone Wars.

(Editor’s note: While everyone at the table knows that Sifo-Dyas ordered the clone army from the Kaminoans, it’s not clear from a few conversations in Attack of the Clones why he wasn’t around anymore. 

So this session is my way to explain what happened to him. Yes, that’s right. Sifo-Dyas and the clone army are ... tied to Willow. Stay with me here!

I am sure that the Clone Wars TV show addresses Sifo-Dyas. But in the galaxy I’m building we’re mostly ignoring anything that wasn’t live action...)

The party agreed to go talk to Sifo-Dyas, but Blissex asked the knights if he and the party might be able to speak in private... because they didn’t feel comfortable in revealing any potential secret information to a force they are not certain is loyal to the Republic.

Clone Knight: “Right.. Protocol dictates that. Given that we are clones, we are incapable of going rogue, but I imagine one could in theory make clones of clones to serve as double agents.

While inside the Silverlight, Blissex asked Turk if he had any hidden compartments where they could hide all modern technology and lock it so that nobody could access it... because it would be terrible if any of this tech were to spread around this planet and be abused by evil forces, in a weak attempt to enforce the prime directive. 

Most everyone dropped their blasters in the smuggling hold but they kept their vibro blades and spears with them. CT-12 took D’Wook’s old spear, whereas D’Wook took the new trident. 

Blissex also said they would have no idea when they are coming back so they should probably take anything they absolutely needed with them.

Hal decided to take one of his lightsabers, considering that it could be used to identify himself as a Jedi to any Fett clones they come across... and they might obey his commands. He took the yellow one and not the purple one. 

(Editor’s note: I am glad he did not take the purple one because it would have been recognized by Sifo Dias and he might have confiscated it.)

D’Wook disappeared down one of the ship’s corridors and reappeared with a pack on his back... 

They stepped out.

Clone Knight: If it would please you, the Rodian and the Ithorian.. And... the small Wookiee, ought to conceal themselves, these locals have never seen anything like them before and we don’t want to start superstition. Perhaps they can ride in the carriage.”

The clones escorted the party.

They passed through the castle town and saw that the people were living in absolute squalor. Beggars lined the streets and Fett clones on horses were overseeing people as they toiled away in the fields. One Fett clone they passed was whipping a citizen, muttering something about him not having made his harvesting quota.

They entered the castle through the drawbridge and marched through the bustling courtyard, where thousands of boy Fett clones stood in formation, as a slightly older one barked out orders to them.

To the left stood a long line of several hundred young women, all looking very distraught, waiting to go into a small tent up ahead. They were watched by about 30 adult Fett clones. A sign could be seen above the room printed in two scripts: The aurbesh of galactic basic, and another unknown one.

The sign read: Happy 20th Birthday! Your sacrifice means the ongoing defense of Tir Asleen!

As they passed the tent a woman left the tent crying and a  Fett clone laughed and said “see you in 9 months!”

The next woman reluctantly entered. 

Turk asked the knight what was going on there. 

The knight explained that without the Kaminoan birthing chambers they needed vessels to birth new soldiers.

Turk asked if they have clone embryos here.

The knight explained that they did.

(Editor’s note: If tech doesn’t work, how are they preserving the embryos...? I expected someone to ask. No one did. But my answer for that was that these embryos only needed water to be activated. If they are kept dry they are perfectly preserved. They are essentially freeze dried, but in a way that does not harm their viability. Oh well. 

Also it may have been the way I was inadequately describing what was going on, it may have made it seem as if I had the clones impregnating these women.... naturally... I became alarmed because I didn’t want to write anything like that in my game, so while I didn’t explain exactly the process, I made it absolutely clear that these women were instead having embryos planted within them. I should have described further.. Using an injection through the skin. Still very evil, but not as violent as what the alternative was.)

Blissex said  CT-12 in an old dead language from before the Old Republic: 

“Non credo cui hos milites ducit. ullis mysteria revelare non debemus. Obsecro te de aliis.”

It meant: “I don't trust whomever is leading these soldiers. We should not reveal any secrets. Please tell the others.”

(Editor’s note: It’s google translated into Latin. I wrote down in English what he said and gave it to CT-12’s player

One of the players had actually studied Latin, but was controlling a character who only speaks basic. So he got information he wasn’t supposed to. Oh well.)

CT-12 relayed the message in Rodian, Ithorian, and Ewokese to Jeegn, Grundle and D’Wook (He handed them the paper). The rest of the group had no idea what was being communicated, as they only speak basic (except the guy who knows Latin.)

They entered the castle and were taken from one ornately decorated room to another, and then another until they reached the throne room, where Syfo Dyas sat on a throne, holding court.  

He was a dark haired man in what appeared to be his late forties or early fifties.

I know there's official Star Wars drawings of Sifo-Dyas, but he never appeared live-action. So I say he looks like this.

Syfo Dyas: Aha, visitors from beyond! Tell me, what news have you from the Republic?

Hal began to speak, seemingly trusting Sifo-Dyas completely. He began to explain that the Republic was...

Blissex stepped forward and cut off what Hal was saying.

Blissex: The Republic... is very strong and we are on the verge of crushing the separatist threat and putting an end to their tyranny. Now tell me, how is it that YOU have found your way here?

Sifo-Dyas: I and my Padawan Cherllindria were taking the first prototype batch of clones and clone embryos back to Coruscant to share my progress with the Chancellor when we somehow ended up trapped in this system and crash landed. Together we tried to find ways to counteract the effect of the class 7 pulsar to try to get off the planet, but there wasn’t anything we could do.

Cherlindria and I... we had.. disagreements... over how to proceed. She ventured off on her own so I was not able to protect her when she was killed by those vile trolls.

But I believe we can work together. I see from who is with you that the clone program has been approved... 

Hal: Yes, these soldiers are under my command.

Syfo Dyas: The next eclipse will come in about six months. During eclipses we can use technology here... so we can fix up the ship and be on our way. This is a blessing from the heavens.

Blissex: That makes no sense. If an eclipse will block the EMP, that should mean tech works at nighttime, shouldn’t it?

Sifo-Dyas: Come now Dr. Blissex, surely you know that sunlight from the star is different from the magnetic waves of a class 7 pulsar.

Blissex: Okay, but even so, the eclipse is local, what will you do to counteract the effects of the pulsar once you are in orbit?

Sifo-Dyas: I have been thinking about this problem for the past 20 years. I believe that if we make modifications to your ship’s shields and enhance them using kyber crystals, we should be able to shield ourselves long enough to engage the hyperdrive and move out of the affected area.

Blissex: Kyber crystals? You would need at least a cubic meter of them for that kind of shielding to work. And you’ve only got the one lightsaber. Two if you count the boy’s. Unless you’re telling me you can mine them locally and that this planet has a deposit of kyber crystals so vast that they basically grow on trees here.

Sifo-Dyas: And now you know this planet’s secret. But anyway, we can discuss our escape at a later date.

Looking at Hal... tell me more about what is going on at the temple these days. How is Master Yoda? Still being hard on you younglings?

Hal had no idea who Yoda was.

Hal: Um... yeah, you know Yoda. Such a strict guy.

Sifo-Dyas: It’s interesting, you have non-clones under your command... that was never the original parameter of the program. And also these other aliens with you, what could they possibly add that other Jedi would not? 

Perhaps you’re not being completely honest with me.

Hal: tell me more about these kyber crystals. I’m very interested in those.

Sifo-Dyas: They are in abundance here. But that’s not important. I have a mission for you all to help us get out of here.

You and your companions must venture out to the town of Fishlick and round up all the young maidens there, and bring them to the castle. We need more birthing chambers to expand our army. We haven’t even used half our supply of embryos yet.

(Editor’s note: Outside of the game, the party began to speak to themselves about taking him up on his offer but not actually doing it. I think it’s not fair to discuss strategy openly like this when their characters would not be given the opportunity. So D’Wook told CT-12 who translated it to all the aliens.)

Sifo-Dyas, unbeknownst to the party was reading their minds, and he decided he was going to just throw them all in the dungeon. 

He waved his hand and 10 clone guards lined up next to the party five on each side.

Sifo-Dyas touched Hal on the chest, telling him that he bid him farewell for now. A choker materialized on Hal’s neck

As they were leaving the room, Sifo-Dyas told Blissex to stay behind to work on the ship.

The guards led the party away in a direction they did not come in. One of them asked the guards where they were going. The guards said nothing.

They marched through a grand doorway that opened to a bridge that led to a tower on an island in the middle of a raging river.

A few of the party looked down at the river and got the notion that anyone wearing heavy armor would likely sink to the bottom and drown, and if they were to take the armor off, they would likely be washed away by the raging current.

Deducing that the guards were not taking them to an an exit from which they could walk to Fishlick as instructed, D’Wook bumrushed one of the guards and sent him falling off the bridge. 

The rest of the party and the guards engaged in mortal combat, with a few guards dying and a few being knocked out. Two of the guards knocked out their comrades by hitting them in the back of the head with their hilt. They pleaded with the party not to kill their brothers as they non-lethally put another guard out of commission. 

Turk looked at the clones and asked what they were doing.. And asked whose side they were on. D’Wook growled at him, telling him to shut up and fight.

(Editor’s note: I had planned for them to be unarmed during this fight, and then they would need to craft their own weapons later out of sticks and stones... something D’Wook could teach them to do. I forgot to have the clones ask them for their weapons before they entered the throne room. Whoops.)

Once the danger passed, the two Fett Clones, CT-01-007 and 008 explained that they were among the first birthed in Kamino, and that they were on duty when they crash landed.They said that although they are loyal to Sifo-Dyas, something does not seem right about ordering immature Fett clones and a Jedi padawan to the dungeon... which is where they were taking them.

They said something doesn’t seem right about Sifo-Dyas and they cannot simply obey his orders without question. 

And there are rumors that his padawan Cherlindria is still alive out there somewhere. 

Rumor has it that the Nelwyns know where she is.

Vero asked what a Nelwyn was and 007 explained that they were human-like but much shorter. 

007: Just follow the river south, go around the lake, and keep going south along the river until you the Nelwyn village. Oh, and if I were you, I’d keep away from any Daikini settlements anywhere. If General Syfo Dyas discovers your escape, he will scour his kingdom for you.

He gave them a map.

Ignore the references to "Willow" and "Base Camp."

Vero asked what a Daikini was.

007 explained that Daikini are what the human sized humans are called. There are also mini-sized humans called Brownies, but nobody has ever seen any of them around.

008 suggested that they leave in the middle of the night so as to avoid detection. The two clones took the party to a kitchen that isn’t often used in the basement of the castle and told them to wait until sundown before they try to escape.

Several of the party members grabbed knives and other tools from the kitchen. CT-12 gathered veggies and other pieces of food to make soups. D’Wook smelled meat and grabbed a pork roast from a cupboard. At that, some in the party began to notice something was moving around inside his pack... and it occasionally made chirping sounds.

They asked him what it was, and he said he’d tell them later.. After they escape the castle.

Turk fashioned a makeshift spear out of a mop and a knife and some rope. D’Wook laughed at the shoddy construction.

D’Wook grabbed a knife and tried to remove the choker from Hal’s neck. Both he and Hal got an electric shock.

(Editor’s note: I made that effect up on the fly. If EMP is stopping electronics from working on this planet, technically this shouldn’t work either.  Whatever. It’s the force. It’s magic!)

CT-12 gave it a try and felt sadder than he had ever felt in his life.

CT-16 also gave it a try and started bursting into uncontrollable laughter.

Despite their best efforts they could not remove the choker.

The party tended to their wounds using what was available in the kitchen. CT-12 wanted to cook but the rest of the party told him maybe he should not do that to avoid detection. They remained quiet for a few hours until they estimated it was sundown.

Jeegn and Grundle decided to wear potato sacks with holes cut in them over their heads so that they could pass as Daikini.

D’Wook came up the stairs from the basement kitchen and looked to his left and right. To the right was a long hallway that led to a window, with one guard standing near the window and several other doors that led to different rooms.

To his left another long hallway that led to a corner, where the hallway continued in a 90 degree angle. There was one guard hanging out at that corner, kind of dozing off.

D’Wook and CT-12 went left, Vero and Hal? went right. 

Vero took out the guard to the right with minimal noise.

Unfortunately D’Wook and CT-12 very noisily knocked down the other guard with a big crash. D’Wook began running for the window, taking the time to yell into the kitchen that everyone needed to move now!

Someone with a Fett clone voice called out to the guard on the left. 

Voice: Hey CT-17-1134 are you okay over there?

CT-12: Yup. Everything’s okay. I just tripped that’s all.

Voice: That was a pretty big crash. We’re gonna come by and make sure you’re okay.

CT-12: No no that won’t be necessary... uh.. I’m ... pooping in the potted plant.

Voice: What? C’mon guys something’s weird. We better check it out.

CT-12 thought of wearing the clone guard’s armor to try to trick his comrades, but then realized he’d have his own clone armor to dispose of somewhere. He decided he would hide behind the guard, behind the plant.

The rest of the party made it to the window and jumped out.

Someone yelled down the hall for CT-12 to run! But he stayed hidden.

About 10 clone guards turned the corner and headed straight for CT-12, who was still hiding behind the unconscious guard behind the potted plant.

CT-12 tried to hide better, hoping they wouldn’t notice him.

(Editor’s note: CT-12, or Golden Wheels is played by an 11-year-old and while I appreciate that he was trying to use his character’s hide abilities which are kind of high, the situation seemed to dictate that running would be the obviously better choice. The other players were telling him, that maybe sometimes the simplest solution is best... and in this situation, it was simplest to run).

CT-12 came to his senses and made a break for the window.  He got shot by a crossbow in the shoulder, but kept running.

He was shot again in the leg, and fell to the ground, unable to move.

Jeegn and D’Wook reentered the window and carried him out of there as arrows whizzed by their heads.

Together they made a break for the nearest forest, which was about 50m from the part of the castle they left.

They stayed in the forest until the river was in sight. It was on the other end of a field with what appeared to be many soldiers in formation to attack Tir Asleen castle.

Oddly the soldiers were not moving and made no sounds. 

They moved closer and realized that the field was full of statues of soldiers. They all had horrified looks on their faces, and some of them were looking at their hands. Others were looking at each other in shock. 

Someone suggested that perhaps they were turned to stone... and their clothes and weapons along with them.

D’Wook noticed the stench of some vile creatures approaching and someone saw that there was movement between some of the statues.

It was then that eight trolls jumped out and ambushed the party.

They put up a good fight, but after D’Wook sliced the head off of one and Vero axed another in half, the remaining living trolls decided they would make a run for it.

D’Wook picked up the troll head and his bag chriped some more.  He decided then that he would tell everyone what was in his pack. It was a baby flutterplume. It hatched out of one of the eggs they rescued from Ord Mantell, and he had been keeping in one of the hidden cargo holds in the Silverlight, unbeknownst to the party.

It was then that they began to see that several rooms began to light up with what appeared to be torch light in the castle. The drawbridge was came down and a stream of torches was coming out of the castle.

The party decided to hide behind the statues as the torches got closer and closer, and passed them, with some of the soldiers talking about how the eight criminals took out a whole squad of guards and they have orders to kill them on sight.

The whole army passed them in about 20 minutes.

Once it passed, they decided to follow the river south as 007 instructed them. The came up and they saw the picturesque nature of this planet, untouched by modern tech. It was more beautiful than any of them had ever seen, except for D’Wook, who got a little homesick.

By mid-afternoon they had reached the lake, that stretched as far as the eye can see. A path lead around the east end of the lake. There was a sign, with a script they couldn’t read.

CT-12 tried to read the sign. He realized It was an ancient script that seems to be from tens of thousands of years ago, but has fallen out of disuse. Much about this particular script is not known, but there are two competing theories by rival linguists on how to decipher it. If using the theory of the more established linguist, Dr. Ingot, the sign says that Rancors make great pets for children. 

The less established theory by Ingot’s rival and former assistant, Dr. Oriel, would have it say that there’s a town called Fishlick about 20 clicks away.

They saw that there were many footprints about the same size of CT-12’s leading to the path to Fishlick. So the party decided to go around the lake the other way.

Eventually they went around the lake, continued along the river and came across a forested area. There was a very short wall that seemed almost insignificant to them which they stepped over with ease.

They ventured deeper to notice there was a clearing up ahead. They emerged from the forest to find themselves in what appeared to be a corn field. In the distance they could see a small hut, far too small for an adult human.

They spotted someone looking at them out the window. Then a door opened and a small man ran towards some other houses. They moved closer to the house, and from the area of the other houses, 10 small men with small spears approached them, spears drawn.

Hal took this as an opportunity to address them. He held his lightsaber aloft.

Hal: Attention Nelwyns! I am a Jedi and this is my lightsaber.

The small warriors scratched their heads.

Warrior: What is a Jedi? What’s a lightsaber? Why are you here? Who are you looking for?

Hal: We are looking for Cherlindria. We were told she was here.

Warrior: No! There is nobody by the name of Cherlindria here.

Grundle stepped forward: Please good people, we have come from far away, from Tir Asleen, where the evil king Sifo-Dyas would have thrown us in prison. We escaped and we were told that we need to seek out Cherlindria in order to get help so we can get home.

Warrior: Are you from Galladoorn? You all sound like you’re from Galladoorn

(Editor’s note: In the Willow movie, the people from Bavmorda’s faction and the Nelwyns all speak with British accents. Mad Martigan and his buddy whose name I had to look up [Airk Thaughbaer], were from Galladoorn and spoke with American accents, mainly because Val Kilmer and Gavan O’Herlihy are American actors.

Side note, Gavan O’Herlihy played Chuck Cunningham, older brother of Richie Cunningham on Happy Days. Richie was played by Ron Howard, who directed Willow.)

Grundle, showing his face, said they were from a place far far away, much farther than Galadoorn, and pointed up to the sky.

The warriors gasped and one of them gulped and said he would take them to consult with the witch doctor.

The whole town gathered into the town hall as the wise man came out to discuss with them.

Witch Doctor: “Which finger has the power to control the world?” while holding up five fingers

Hal: My own finger. I’ve seen this movie before.

Witch Doctor: You are wise beyond your years!  Tell me, why is it that you seek out Cherlindria? 

Hal: We heard that she might still be alive, and Sifo-Dyas wants to kill us, so we seek her protection.

 

For some reason, when I saw this movie it gave me the impression that this guy was a big liar.

Witch Doctor: Hmm,  (announcing to the crowd) I will consult the bones!

He shook up his gourd and spilled the bones on the ground. 

Witch Doctor: (whispering to Hal) The bones are a bunch of nonsense that these people believe in so I have to keep on the facade that they mean something. (Loudly to everyone) The BONES HAVE SPOKEN!

I will assign a guide to these travelers! Laurel Ufgood! You shall take them to see Cherlindria in her hiding place. You shall leave at sun up tomorrow.

The wise man also took a look at Hal’s choker and told him he can’t remove it because he deals in a different sort of magic. But there will come soon a time where he will know it can be removed… on its own.

They got some rest in the town hall as CT-12 made some soup. They got to know Laurel, a young woman who was good with throwing knives. 

She told them that Cherlindria lives on a remote island in the center of the great lake. She suggested visiting Fishlick and trying to hire a boat. But then the party realized they had no money. They thought that maybe they could borrow one though. 

The party did not seem concerned that they were avoiding Fishlick earlier because of Sifo-Dyas’ clone army being there. But if they had been, Laurel would have told them that the town is small enough that the soldiers probably just passed through and moved on to another town when they were not found there.

The next morning they set out, marching north again after a few hours they came to a bridge over the river to cross to the other side. There was a guy dressed in leather armor at the other end of the bridge.

Guy: You can’t cross without paying the toll.

Laurel: This isn’t a toll bridge.

The party called out to him and said they were crossing whether he liked it or not.

The guy whistled in that cool way where people put their fingers in their mouths.

Nine more guys lined up on the other side of the bridge and they all drew their swords and spears.

Guy: If you want to cross, it will be 100 gold each.

Hal: Or you can step out of the way and let us go, and you’ll all survive.

Guy put on a frown and spat on the ground.

Guy: Do the lot of you really think you can take on all of us? You’re not only outnumbered, you’ve got a child, a peck and a pecky troll with you. We’ll...

THWACK

A throwing knife split his eyeball and lodged itself deep into his brain. Guy collapsed on the bridge.

The party turned around and saw Laurel tossing and catching a throwing knife between her hands.

Laurel: Are you guys gonna talk all day or are we going to fight?

At that the party walked side by side in slow motion to some epic music, weapons in hand across the bridge, as the bandits on the other side charged.

(Editor’s note: Apologies to my players, but I forget the details of this exact combat. There were 10 bandits and 8 party members, 9 with Laurel. I believe this is where Hal got knifed in the side. When you’re running with a group this big, it’s kind of hard to keep track of who did what and who took out whom. I don’t make the mooks in my game fight to the absolute death though because that’s not realistic.)

After several of the bandits were either killed or knocked out, the remaining living ones ran for their lives. CT-12 looted a corpse and found 5 gold.

Everyone unarmed armed themselves with what the dead bandits had been wearing.

They continued onward to Fishlick.

(Editor’s note: Fishlick is a name I invented. I don’t know what the town is actually named, but it appears on the map as “fishing village.” I was going for a very British sounding name like Ipswich. I imagined this as the town that had the tavern where Madmartigan ... disguised himself, but actually it was the abandoned village from whence Willow borrowed a boat to find Fin Raziel. I’m gonna say that at this point the village was still thriving and encompassed the Tavern.) 

Fishlick smelled.. Like fish. It was a small village with a large roadside tavern. It had a town square that was home to a bustling marketplace. In the center of the town square was an ornate sword, stuck inside a square stone. The stone had some carvings on each of its sides.

The first carving showed a traveler, strangely with a Jedi padawan hairstyle, arriving with eight of his friends. Three of whom were very short, two others had their faces out of frame. One who was clearly female. 

In the second carving, the traveler lifts the sword out of the stone and raises it high in the air as crowds of people look on in awe.

In the third one, the traveler has plunged the sword into the heart of an evil-looking king who towers over him.

The fourth carving shows only the sword, with seven of the travelers standing around it. 

The party pointed at the carvings and to Hal.

D’Wook: It looks kind of like an instruction manual.

The skies cleared, some important sounding music played. Wind blew in Hal’s hair. He stood behind the sword, placed his hands upon the hilt and pulled with all his might.

It didn’t budge.

One of the townspeople who had happened to be watching burst out in laughter.

Townsperson: Ha! Another one! People think if they just get that haircut they will be able to lift the sword.

Laurel: The king in the carvings look nothing like Sifo-Dyas... so it’s probably not even related to any prophecy surrounding him... or us.

Townsperson : That sword was supposedly laid there hundreds of years ago and the town grew around it. If you ask me it’s all a hoax. Someone put that there to try to increase land values.

The party asked the towny how they might acquire a boat to go on the lake and do some fishing. He pointed at the tavern, telling them all the best fishermen can be found there, but they should be careful because they “will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.”

Turk: Well actually...

D’Wook nudged Turk with the business end of his trident and they all entered the tavern.

CT-12 hit the gambling tables and turned his 5GP to 36 GP after a few rounds of ... erm.. 24 (which is like 21 but totally different).

The rest of the party went around asking people about acquiring boats. A man introduced himself as Stab Martigan, saying he had connections to the mayor and could probably help them out in exchange for their help with something. 

D’Wook was instantly distrustful, given the guy’s name was Stab.

Stab told everyone to wait in the tavern and he would go speak to the mayor. He exited the tavern. D’Wook looked out the window to see Stab walk to one of the larger houses and knock at the door. A somewhat rotund man opened the door and Stab gesticulated wildly and pointed at the tavern. The other guy smiled and stepped out and started walking toward the tavern.

The party exited to go meet with the mayor, who introduced himself as Uther Thaughbaer.

(Editor’s note: Yeah yeah, nobody remembers Madmartigan’s friend’s name was Airk Thaughbaer. In fact few people remember much about Willow, a film made in 1988 that most people who do remember say it’s a knockoff of Lord of the Rings). 

Uther: We will provide you with two rowboats and equip you with the best weapons and armor if you complete a quest. 

The party agreed.

Uther: The harvest holiday is nigh and I’ve sadly spent all our funds on defense and town improvements so we have no means of entertainment for the town festival. If you all as outsiders can reasonably entertain the townspeople during the festival and convincingly pull yourselves off as comedians, singers, actors etc... then it will get me out of a bind and the people would be none the wiser.

The festival was to be held 3 days later, and in the meantime the party healed up and prepared for their performances.

(Editor’s note: It’s too often that roleplaying games become narrative that links combats together. Combat is certainly an exciting part of of gaming but since this session is all about switching things up, I wanted the players to step into the shoes of their characters some more and act as them. Some of them seized the opportunity to plan out their performance. Others.. Well... there’s always combat!)

Laurel volunteered to be Emcee and introduce each act.

The festival began and Laurel began her introduction, saying that she herself was the opening act. For she is an expert knife thrower and would demonstrate her unrivaled skill. She called for a volunteer in the audience.

A small boy (CT-16) stepped forward saying he would volunteer. He stepped behind an upright circular table as Laurel strapped him in. She turned the table slightly toward the audience and spun it, took a few paces and blindfolded herself, to the audible gasp of some in the crowd.

She threw the first knife, which landed in CT-16’s shoulder. CT-16 screamed in pain. The crowd gasped again.

She threw the second knife, which landed in his leg. He let out a loud howl. Some in the crowd yelled for her to stop.

The third knife landed in his gut. He spit up some blood and then his head went limp. Some in the crowd began to cry.

Laurel removed her blindfold and saw what she had done...  She looked at the mayor, and asked if it was okay to give this kid a refund.

CT-16 smiled and laughed and then the crowd laughed along realizing that it was all part of the act. Laurel freed CT-16 and he took a bow.

Next up, D’Wook and Vero had planned an choreographed a pro-wrestling style match, with D’Wook the Destroyer fighting the Veronator (Edit: I forgot the names they gave themselves, and as it was getting late, I don’t remember exactly how they choreographed it, but D’Wook was the face and Vero the heel.)

They definitely got over with the crowd which was at its feet when Vero took the final 1, 2, 3.

CT-12 was up next with a cooking demonstration, making the most delicious soup ever and intricately describing each step in the cooking process.

The crowd got a bit bored and started chanting WE WANT SOUP! WE WANT SOUP!!!

He finished up and distributed cups of soup to everyone ... to thunderous applause.

Jeegn and Grundle decided they would do a musical number with Turk on drums. In an odd change of their roles, Grundle played the harmonica out of one mouth and sang with the other... a song disparaging Tir Asleen and Sifo-Dyas... to the tune of the ending song from Willow.

Some of the lyrics: 

Tir Asleen, it really sucks. Sifo-Dyas he sucks too. Etc etc.

(Editor’s note: later on Grundle’s player contacted me saying he wished he would have known because he would have been able to actually make a full song. Together we came up with more lyrics:

Tir Asleen. Tir Asleen’s

Got a king, that’s really mean.

Turned some soldiers into stone.

If I could, I’d break his bones.

Sifo-Dyas, he really sucks.

Sifo-Dyas can go kick rocks.)

Then it was Hal’s and Turk’s turn to do some standup comedy. Turk first said he would do an impression of a soldier being turned to stone. He stood there staring at his hands.

Crowd: Booo! Too Soon!!!! Booooooo!

Seeing how the crowd was reacting Hal stepped in to try to salvage the situation.

Hal: Ladies and gentlemen of Fishlick, I’m Hal Bruchkiller and.. Did you ever notice how soldiers from Tir Asleen hold their crossbows like this, and soldiers from Galadoorn hold them like this?

Ha told some other jokes that fell flat. He was bombing.. badly.

Crowd: Booooooooo! LAME!!!!!! 

Someone threw a tomato. Hal was able to duck out of the way.

Just then the sword in the stone began to glow. 

The crowd gasped.

Hal stepped over to it and grasped the hilt. His choker evaporated.

He pulled with all his might, but nothing happened.

He quickly decided he would change his standup routine to magic, announcing it to the crowd. He levitated Turk, still in his statue pose.

The crowd cheered and began chanting PULL THE SWORD! PULL THE SWORD!

Hal: People of Fishlick! I am a Jedi master, and I want to request that you give us boats so that we can complete an important quest and save you from the tyranny of Tir Asleen!

Stab Martigan: No, you idiot. You provide the entertainment, and we’ll GIVE you the boats. That was the deal, remember?

Crowd: PULL THE SWORD! PULL THE SWORD!

Hal started muttering that he had already tried twice but it didn’t work.

Vero kinda nudged him and said he should try using the force.

Hal grasped the sword and pulled on it with his mind, and held it aloft in the air for all to see.

Crowd: It’s him! The chosen one! The one in the carving. He’s here to save us!

The crowd erupted into applause as the sword gleamed brighter than the bonfires lighting the town square, and Hal smiled and pumped his fist that tightly gripped its hilt.

To be continued!